i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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