why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
