Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
it was like eating out sand paper
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
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I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
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