I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You have to summon your inner elephant
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
