I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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