hotel room ftw
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
