You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
