just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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