I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
