she woke up with a sticky ear
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
