vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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