I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
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