hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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