I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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