Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
