Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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