Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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