She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Watching her eat just hurts me
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
