You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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