She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
