peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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