i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
did i just pee glitter
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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