Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
