I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
