im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
