He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
