she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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