Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Acid is not a monday night drug
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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