I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
