I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
