did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
