Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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