Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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