Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Congratulations! We have a period
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
