I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
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