worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
