she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
