in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
