jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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