I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
