I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
