I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
