Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
