I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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