How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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