What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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