I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
