She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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