Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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