How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
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Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
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Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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