Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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