A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Randomize
