Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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