I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
