Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
